A problematic issue that has emerged within every romantic relationship I?ve had in the last decade is my friendships with women.? My high school sweetheart, college sweetheart, and most recently, post graduate sweetheart have found it difficult to wrap their minds around a platonic friendship with a beautiful woman.? Sound familiar?
In the book Gender Play: Girls and Boys in School, Dr. Barrie Thorne examines the social construction, confirmation, and perpetuation of gender roles that occur in school.? Specifically, she looks at how these roles are manifested through children playing.? Dr. Thorne took her research to the playground, lunchroom, and classroom of an elementary school off the west coast of California and another one in Michigan.
While traditional construction of gender roles among children lie within the socializing role of adults, Dr. Thorne looks at how children create and sometimes challenge gender roles.? She found that the play amongst children often portrayed an early hint towards a social hierarchy where men had certain power privileges.
Bra snapping for example, was a type of play in which boys could only initiate, and the girls who were bra snapped obtained a certain higher status than the girls that boys wouldn?t dare to bra snap.? Thus girls? social status was dependent upon the boys? willingness to snap their bras.? Dr. Thorne?s ethnographic analysis of gender role formation through play was very fascinating and eye opening.
This book really helped me understand the origin of my current social habits.? In a society where men befriending women is seen as not especially normative, I am constantly challenging this norm.? I am occasionally scrutinized for my friendly relationships with women by my guy friends.? They don?t seem to understand the concept of a platonic, non-sexual relationship with a woman.
One of my best friends is a girl named Emily.? We go out to bars together, hang out the whole time, and leave together.? Subsequent days I am bombarded with questions and accusations of the two of us ?hooking up? or dating.? I constantly hear the question, ?Are Emily and Reggie dating??
My friendships with women have also permeated my romantic relationships.? Girlfriends of mine have found it extremely difficult to accept platonic friendships between myself and other women.? They?d often mistake Emily for being very threatening to the relationship.? I?d even be accused of having an emotional and physical affair with Emily.? Although I made it clear that the friendship is strictly platonic, that we?ve been friends since the fifth grade, and that we have no romantic interest in each other, issues of jealousy and infidelity came up quite often.
I can?t seem to quite understand other people?s confusions since it seems so natural to me.? I?ve realized that my play as a child has directly translated to my adult relationships.? I grew up with one brother, one sister, and plenty of girl cousins.? My brother and I would constantly be outnumbered by the girls around us, so we?d often play to their preferences, standards, and expectations.? When I entered into schooling, I?d often befriend girls and talk with them on the phone for hours at a time.? I?d be the lone boy playing amongst a herd of girls.
My friendships with boys remained intact, but I found it very comfortable and natural to play with girls.? Dr. Thorne?s research on gender play really hit home for me.? I now understand how deeply engrained gender roles are for many people in this society.? Now whenever I receive scrutiny from friends or issues of jealousy from girlfriends I could understand where they are coming from, and not see them as simply close-minded individuals.
Filed under: Advice, Sex & Relationships, Sex and Relationships
Tags: advice, barrie thorne, boyfriend, bra snapping, cross-gender friendships, date, dates, dating, emily hernandez, family, fighting, gender play, gender roles, girlfriend, infidelity, jealousy, love, marriage, relationships, sex, single-life, sociology, the male perspective, tips, tmp
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